Do it with a heart wide open.

I'm giving this blog another chance because of my wonderful, new, fashionista friends Marissa and Erika. Since my blog has no real purpose, and I have no specific topics to write about, I'm just going with my gut -my own feelings...because who in the world wouldn't want to know my inner thoughts?!

Since I last wrote, (nearly five months ago!) I've been living in a whirlwind. Life is good. I am finally at peace. And I guess I would say that right now I'm just...free fallin'...

But let me backtrack..
September 29th, my last post -wow, what a week that was. I lost someone I loved deeply that week -October 4th to be exact. When I say "lost," I'm not speaking of death, of the physical kind at least. What I mean is that I lost the heart and soul of one of my best friends, and one of the people I have loved the most during my short lifetime. In the days and weeks following that date, I began to lose myself. Or maybe it is more fitting to say that I was already lost, and during this time, I began to feel it -the emptiness of being alone and having a lost sense of self. During the rare moments when I drift back to that time, all I see are shadows, darkness. I cannot specify the moment or day when I began to feel alive again, and I cannot speak of an event, person, or revelation which lifted me out of the darkness. My only explanation is the faithfulness of God. Once again, when I needed Him the most, He carried me out of my despair.

I found new life. This is not to say that all of my hurt and disappointment disappeared, but I regained hope and life. I began to feel again. Feeling is hard. It hurts. But I forced myself to feel every emotion, all of the anger, frustration, guilt, doubt, fear, and sadness. I worked out a lot of my emotional distress at the gym, which made me healthier, so...plus two points for me. This is not to say it was easy. There were many days, and even more nights, when I wanted to give up and go back into the dark cocoon I knew so well, but through many tears, prayers, and angry unsent letters, I kept taking one step up every day. There were unexpected blows along my journey which caused me to take a step back, but I have gained so much ground that they seem minute in hindsight.

I am found. As life progresses, one learns himself more over time, but I am no longer lost. I am found because in this moment I know who I am. I am on a journey. I don't know where I will end up, and I'm okay with that. I will forever be learning to "let go and let God," but for now, I feel fully surrendered to His will. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" which explains a lesson which I believe God wanted me to learn:

"God is your everything. Don't you know He's a jealous God? He don't want no man before Him."

There is a Middle Eastern proverb about the Shepherd who breaks his lamb's leg after the lamb has wandered away from the flock. He does this so that the lamb knows not to stray from the Shepherd because it will become lost and perish. After the leg is broken, the Shepherd carries the lamb until it is healed, an intimacy between the lamb and the Shepherd is established, and the lamb will no longer stray. This is often used as a metaphor for Christ and His children.

"How enviable is the man whom God corrects. Oh, do not despise the chastening of the Lord when you sin. For though he wounds, he binds and heals once again." -Job 5:18

Image Source

 I am happy on my journey, and I am contented with the path I am currently on.

My eyes are lifted up, and my heart is open...