Dreaming with a broken heart.

I started this blog to try to express myself more openly, allow people to see a little more of me from the inside. I feel sort of vulnerable and uncomfortable writing about my feelings on the internet, but maybe that's a good thing, stepping away from what is comfortable to me. I don't have the same energy, confidence, and zest for life that I did at one time. Instead of looking into the past, I try to focus on the future. The past two years have been some of the most difficult times in my life, but I know that things won't stay this way forever, and things will get better. I will find the joy for life that I once had.

..."If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

I often remember my childhood and how I was so blessed growing up. I remember my early teenage years when the world that I once knew to be perfect began to shatter, and I began to see imperfections in people that I thought were as close to perfect as I'd ever seen. Things that "never could happen to me" started to happen, and my heart began to break. I used to say "Beauty For Scars" and tell myself that the more emotional scars I had, the more beautiful I became because I was growing into the woman that God wanted me to be to do whatever work I was purposed for, just as Jesus' physical scars were the sign of his resurrection and the eternal life that he'd promised.

I didn't realize at the time that all of these things began happening that I would become emotionally vulnerable and prone to being caught up in various cycles of hurt... So that is exactly what happened. I found myself again and again involved in relationships both friendly and romantic, which always seemed to have a similar ending: both parties victims of the shattering of what we thought was a firm foundation, and therefore, heartbreak ensued.

I am not a victim in any circumstance. I have always kept my faith, which is something for which I am most thankful. Instead of deteriorating or asking for pity, I have consistently "gotten back on the horse" and refused to withdraw from people. I have loved wholeheartedly and fearlessly. I have forgiven time and again, and I have learned that all wounds heal with time: hence the "scars."

Today, I find myself in similar territory. I am heartbroken. I'm not talking about the type of heartbreak that results from "romantic love." The pain that I feel is completely different. It's a helpless love, one that I have no control over. I think that's what frustrates me the most. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of anger and hurt that I have no control over. It's not a situation that I can remove myself from. I may remove myself physically (and have for the most part), but emotionally, there are ties that bind me forever, so denial isn't an option. I sometimes ask myself, "Will everyone I love eventually leave?" But I know this not to be true... because there is someone who has never left me, someone who modeled the true meaning of love, and someone who never gives up on me. By faith, I believe in the promises that God gave me: that he has a plan for my life, that it's a good plan, that I will benefit from it, and that I won't have to feel this pain forever. However, I am only human and am imperfect. I will fail. My future partner will fail. Everyone that I love will fail, but that doesn't mean that they will all leave. I believe that the man God has destined for my life partner will not leave, and I believe that the emotional whirlwind of hurt and loss will pass. If ever I feel hopeless or abandoned, I just remember Habakkuk's cry to the Lord, and the Lord's reply that everything that has died will be restored.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Look at the proud! They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked; but the righteous will live by faith."