Drown me in love.

One of my Twitter friends recently quoted,

"It always feels like there's just one person in this world to love, and then you find somebody else, and it just seems crazy that you were ever worried."

I couldn't have worded better myself (or else I would have). While I was in the car today, I was thinking, as I often do while driving, about life and love, and my mind was just blown by the idea that there are billions of people in this world. Everyone wants to love and be loved. It's not even a question or a worry for me that I won't find someone to love. In fact, I'm at the place right now where I'm so content being single, not alone -there's a difference, and I just feel like I'm flying above it all. Yes, I have experienced love, and I have felt heartbroken in my life, but it all just seems so minuscule to me now. Those people that I loved and lost -friends, lovers, family- were just passers by along the road of life. There will always be those who walk alongside me, those that I can always call, and those that I carry in my heart, but what I've come to realize is that this is MY journey. And if I'm not happy walking it by myself, what makes me think I would ever find someone to travel with me. Every person, every relationship  represents a different season, a different phase. It's so fascinating how I've been shaped and how much I've learned thus far, and it amazes me even more knowing that I will experience and learn so much more. I've always said that I don't have regrets. It's true. Every experience, whether good or bad at the time, has taught me something valuable.

Love is a funny concept. It's something that can't concretely be defined, but it really does make the world go 'round. It perpetuates life. Love has the power to destroy and create. But I think that often times we give too much power to outside forces, when really all of the power we need can be found within. Love is not something uncontrollable, but it is sneaky. It can come upon us quicker than a flash of light and can go just as quickly. The important thing to understand is that we control our ability to love. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. This is something I pride myself in -vulnerability. It's one of the most humbling and liberating characteristics. However, sometimes in my vulnerability, I have allowed myself to wander and become distracted from my journey. I always end up back on course, I can attribute that to God's grace, but for a short moment of my life, I feel almost as if I am out of control. Something I now know is only possible if I allow it.

This is my life. This is my heart, my mind, and my love. I am blessed. Never again will I doubt my worth, my identity, or my confidence. One of the best ways to ensure that we are in control of our thoughts is to dictate them -I do this by literally saying to myself: you are smart, you are pretty, you are funny, you are fun! etc. The power that lay in words can dictate emotions, actions, and thoughts. It's amazing. So whenever someone or something starts putting negative thoughts in my head, I know how to stand firm in my thinking. The idea that everyone has worth is so true. The beauty of diversity is that the world isn't boring. There IS someone for everyone. If ever someone feels like they will never find someone to love and be loved in return, all they have to do is remember how many amazing and different people there are in this world. If it doesn't work out with one person, it doesn't dictate how you should live your life. It's your life. It's your heart, and it's your love. You alone have the power to give it away, but this also means it's yours to take back. I've learned how to take back my love and my life. I already knew how to give it away, and this is something that I will continue to do until I find the perfect partner to share my journey with. It's not something I have to think about or try for. It's the easiest part of life, people will enter and exit as they please, and all you have to do is keep on walking.

Do it with a heart wide open.

I'm giving this blog another chance because of my wonderful, new, fashionista friends Marissa and Erika. Since my blog has no real purpose, and I have no specific topics to write about, I'm just going with my gut -my own feelings...because who in the world wouldn't want to know my inner thoughts?!

Since I last wrote, (nearly five months ago!) I've been living in a whirlwind. Life is good. I am finally at peace. And I guess I would say that right now I'm just...free fallin'...

But let me backtrack..
September 29th, my last post -wow, what a week that was. I lost someone I loved deeply that week -October 4th to be exact. When I say "lost," I'm not speaking of death, of the physical kind at least. What I mean is that I lost the heart and soul of one of my best friends, and one of the people I have loved the most during my short lifetime. In the days and weeks following that date, I began to lose myself. Or maybe it is more fitting to say that I was already lost, and during this time, I began to feel it -the emptiness of being alone and having a lost sense of self. During the rare moments when I drift back to that time, all I see are shadows, darkness. I cannot specify the moment or day when I began to feel alive again, and I cannot speak of an event, person, or revelation which lifted me out of the darkness. My only explanation is the faithfulness of God. Once again, when I needed Him the most, He carried me out of my despair.

I found new life. This is not to say that all of my hurt and disappointment disappeared, but I regained hope and life. I began to feel again. Feeling is hard. It hurts. But I forced myself to feel every emotion, all of the anger, frustration, guilt, doubt, fear, and sadness. I worked out a lot of my emotional distress at the gym, which made me healthier, so...plus two points for me. This is not to say it was easy. There were many days, and even more nights, when I wanted to give up and go back into the dark cocoon I knew so well, but through many tears, prayers, and angry unsent letters, I kept taking one step up every day. There were unexpected blows along my journey which caused me to take a step back, but I have gained so much ground that they seem minute in hindsight.

I am found. As life progresses, one learns himself more over time, but I am no longer lost. I am found because in this moment I know who I am. I am on a journey. I don't know where I will end up, and I'm okay with that. I will forever be learning to "let go and let God," but for now, I feel fully surrendered to His will. There is a quote from one of my favorite movies "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" which explains a lesson which I believe God wanted me to learn:

"God is your everything. Don't you know He's a jealous God? He don't want no man before Him."

There is a Middle Eastern proverb about the Shepherd who breaks his lamb's leg after the lamb has wandered away from the flock. He does this so that the lamb knows not to stray from the Shepherd because it will become lost and perish. After the leg is broken, the Shepherd carries the lamb until it is healed, an intimacy between the lamb and the Shepherd is established, and the lamb will no longer stray. This is often used as a metaphor for Christ and His children.

"How enviable is the man whom God corrects. Oh, do not despise the chastening of the Lord when you sin. For though he wounds, he binds and heals once again." -Job 5:18

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 I am happy on my journey, and I am contented with the path I am currently on.

My eyes are lifted up, and my heart is open... 

Dreaming with a broken heart.

I started this blog to try to express myself more openly, allow people to see a little more of me from the inside. I feel sort of vulnerable and uncomfortable writing about my feelings on the internet, but maybe that's a good thing, stepping away from what is comfortable to me. I don't have the same energy, confidence, and zest for life that I did at one time. Instead of looking into the past, I try to focus on the future. The past two years have been some of the most difficult times in my life, but I know that things won't stay this way forever, and things will get better. I will find the joy for life that I once had.

..."If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

I often remember my childhood and how I was so blessed growing up. I remember my early teenage years when the world that I once knew to be perfect began to shatter, and I began to see imperfections in people that I thought were as close to perfect as I'd ever seen. Things that "never could happen to me" started to happen, and my heart began to break. I used to say "Beauty For Scars" and tell myself that the more emotional scars I had, the more beautiful I became because I was growing into the woman that God wanted me to be to do whatever work I was purposed for, just as Jesus' physical scars were the sign of his resurrection and the eternal life that he'd promised.

I didn't realize at the time that all of these things began happening that I would become emotionally vulnerable and prone to being caught up in various cycles of hurt... So that is exactly what happened. I found myself again and again involved in relationships both friendly and romantic, which always seemed to have a similar ending: both parties victims of the shattering of what we thought was a firm foundation, and therefore, heartbreak ensued.

I am not a victim in any circumstance. I have always kept my faith, which is something for which I am most thankful. Instead of deteriorating or asking for pity, I have consistently "gotten back on the horse" and refused to withdraw from people. I have loved wholeheartedly and fearlessly. I have forgiven time and again, and I have learned that all wounds heal with time: hence the "scars."

Today, I find myself in similar territory. I am heartbroken. I'm not talking about the type of heartbreak that results from "romantic love." The pain that I feel is completely different. It's a helpless love, one that I have no control over. I think that's what frustrates me the most. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of anger and hurt that I have no control over. It's not a situation that I can remove myself from. I may remove myself physically (and have for the most part), but emotionally, there are ties that bind me forever, so denial isn't an option. I sometimes ask myself, "Will everyone I love eventually leave?" But I know this not to be true... because there is someone who has never left me, someone who modeled the true meaning of love, and someone who never gives up on me. By faith, I believe in the promises that God gave me: that he has a plan for my life, that it's a good plan, that I will benefit from it, and that I won't have to feel this pain forever. However, I am only human and am imperfect. I will fail. My future partner will fail. Everyone that I love will fail, but that doesn't mean that they will all leave. I believe that the man God has destined for my life partner will not leave, and I believe that the emotional whirlwind of hurt and loss will pass. If ever I feel hopeless or abandoned, I just remember Habakkuk's cry to the Lord, and the Lord's reply that everything that has died will be restored.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Look at the proud! They trust in themselves, and their lives are crooked; but the righteous will live by faith."